Sleepwalking
by L. VanDattae
Summary: Subaru discovers he has a sleepwalking problem.


**Disclaimer**: All characters are copyright of CLAMP. No monetary profit is being made from the writing or distribution of this fic.

**Warnings**: OOC-ness. Crack. Shameless Subaru and Seishirou abuse. Events that would be impossible under normal sleepwalking circumstances.

**Special Thanks To**: Schnickledooger, my characterization beta and partner in crime…

**Notes**: I don't suggest reading this if you want to maintain a dignified image of Subaru and Seishirou in your minds. (P.S.: This is what happens when you leave an author locked in a padded cell for 30 days straight working on her other horror fic…)

_**EDIT!! **Okay, it has come to my attention that this fic has issues... (Clearly I have a deficiency when it comes to writing humor). I've gone through and edited several lines/scenes that I 'thought' were causing problems, but I really have no idea what the real problem is or how to go about fixing it. T_T So this is me officially redirecting anyone who ends up here ('cause I have this thing about taking fics down) that my 'angst' stories are three times better (unless of course you don't like angst), and please stick to those. Thanks. _

**Sleepwalking**

Subaru was not particularly a morning person. So when his eyes finally fluttered open sometime after dawn, it was not surprising that he spent a good ten minutes breathing in the fresh air and listening to the birds chirp below him and feeling the gentle breeze… before he realized anything was wrong. What finally woke him up completely was when he spotted his neighbors down on the street, arms raised in the air… waving. He smiled at them and waved back pleasantly before it clicked. The breeze against his skin. The bird nest beside him. The parents down on the sidewalk hurriedly slapping their hands over their children's eyes and dragging them away.

He was sitting in a tree…

Outside his window…

In his _boxers_…

BLUUUUUSH. Belatedly he realized that his neighbors were asking if he was alright and waving their arms in an attempt to get his attention. Burning scarlet and stuttering like crazy, he assured them that everything was fine… _he just hadn't been able to sleep last night and had decided to take a little walk… up a tree. Suuure._

He wanted desperately to just make the leap back to his balcony from the tree before he died of mortification, but since a leap that long wouldn't be possible for most normal people, and since his neighbors were blissfully unaware that there was anything wrong with their friendly neighborhood onmyouji (_except for this sudden desire to take a voyeur up a tree in the middle of the night_, his brain supplied), that meant… _climbing down. _So, under a crowd of amused stares, he quickly slid down the rough bark, bowed nearly double stuttering apologies, and escaped into his apartment.

Once he was safe, he leaned against the closed door and groaned. For some reason during the last week he'd suddenly developed sleepwalking tendencies. The tree outside his window was actually relatively tame compared to some of the places he'd woken up before: on a flagpole at a local school, under the desk of the president of a local business... He'd even woken up in the bathroom of one of his clients' houses. That one had been a bit difficult to explain, but luckily he'd fallen asleep in his clothes, otherwise it would have taken more than a highly embarrassed and quickly thought-up "I like to show up early to work… _extra_ early" to placate the poor man. And then there was the little problem of explaining how he'd gotten _in_…

Subaru figured that that little catastrophe at least was simply the result of reading too many faxes before he went to bed. Clearly he was giving his subconscious mind ideas. The worst part was that he was beginning to suspect he'd had more of these nightly adventures than he could recall… possibly having something to do with the woman yesterday listed on one of his faxes who had started wailing like a banshee (something about strange, dark visitors in the night) and attempted to whack him over the head with her broom the moment she saw him.

Something had to be done.

So it was, that night, Subaru decided to outwit his subconscious by tying himself to the bedpost. Feeling somewhat more secure, he drifted off into peaceful sleep…

Only to sit up zombie-like a few minutes later, untie the knots, and slip into the night…

* * *

Sakurazuka Seishirou had seen some pretty strange sights, but he was pretty sure that an obliviously nude Subaru in public beat them all. It had been a late night and he was returning home after some tedious work when it happened… the naked onmyouji brushed passed him and continued carelessly down the street. Seishirou was left standing dead-still. One eyebrow twitched. He glanced down at the cup of coffee in his hand and decided it was just not doing it for him. Clearly he wasn't getting enough sleep. As a professional assassin, hallucinations were _not_ acceptable (even if the view hadn't been particularly unpleasant). Still, part of him wondered where _that _had come from…

Shaking himself from his stupor, he glanced back (just to make sure his mind really was playing tricks on him, sure), just in time to see said same nude Subaru step off the curb and out in front of a taxi…

Seishirou spit out the coffee.

Then he wove what might have been the fastest-constructed maboroshi of all time. The taxi immediately hit what the driver would later describe as "A tree! A sakura tree! In the middle of the road!" coming to a terrific halt with an earsplitting shriek of twisted metal. The whole thing missed Subaru by inches. Seishirou was there immediately, grabbing the green-eyed boy by the shoulders and pulling him back onto the sidewalk.

"What do you think you're doing?" Seishirou demanded, and realized he was shaking the boy roughly—the close encounter had unnerved him more than he'd thought.

A beautiful smile broke across Subaru's face as he looked up at the assassin, green eyes shining with delight, and Seishirou found himself stunned into stillness for the second time in five minutes when the boy's arms wrapped around him, clinging to him happily. He was suddenly hyperaware of the boy's state of undress and the number of catcalls they were receiving. Growling threateningly at the crowd they'd attracted, he quickly took off his trench coat and wrapped it around the boy's slight shoulders. _No one _was allowed to see so much of Subaru besides him. _No one._ It didn't help that Subaru seemed blissfully unaware of his state. Still scowling, Seishirou wrapped one arm protectively around the onmyouji and began leading him away from prying eyes, not that this was particularly difficult since Subaru seemed all too willing to follow him.

Once they were out of sight of curious onlookers, Seishirou decided to try and get some answers. But as soon as he turned to address the boy, Subaru's eyes suddenly widened in delight and he raced down the street to a sakura growing on the corner, shrieking "Seishirou-san!" before hugging it tightly. Briefly disconcerted by this behavior, Seishirou started after the boy…

"Subaru-kun…" he started, but at that point Subaru suddenly threw himself on the ground over a sakura-engraved manhole cover, shrieking "Seishirou-san!" delightedly, as though he'd discovered something wonderful. Seishirou could only watch, dumbfounded, as Subaru pressed his face against the manhole cover in ecstasy.

Okay, something was wrong. Maybe Subaru was under a spell, or maybe it was the heat, or maybe he'd had a bad reaction to some onmyoujitsu… Though, for the life of him, Seishirou had never heard of anything quite like this…

"Subaru-kun…" he tried again, peeling the boy from his mauling of the manhole cover. No sooner had he done so, however, than Subaru streaked off shrieking "Seishirou-san!" Beginning to feel incredibly frustrated, Seishirou stalked after him, finding the boy again several shops down, wrapped around a huge, plastic display of a sakura-flavored ice cream cone. Subaru was only vaguely disappointed to discover that it didn't taste like sakura…

Seishirou caught the boy by the shoulder and forcibly pulled him from the display.

"SUBARU-KUN!" Seishirou shouted, before he was knocked off his feet by the force of an over-enthusiastic onmyouji tackling him to the ground with another "Seishirou-san!" They landed in a heap, Seishirou just managing to catch himself before his head could connect with the pavement, Subaru sprawled out over him in apparent bliss. Seishirou sighed, staring down at the boy hopelessly. Maybe it would be best to just get him home…

Unfortunately, Subaru had other plans. It took Seishirou _hours _to drag him out of the woman's perfume shop, not to mention the sakura-flavored jam, sakura-inscribed park benches, a dozen trees, random subway posters, and one poor woman who had had the misfortune of wearing a sakura hairpin… (Subaru had glomped on to her head and refused to budge, causing the poor terrified woman to run in circles shrieking "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!," Seishirou running down the street after them, shouting "Bad Subaru-kun! Bad! Down, boy!")

Seishirou himself was tackled at least three times.

But finally, _finally_ Seishirou managed to get the boy home.

It was with a great deal of relief that he tucked Subaru into bed, watching him for a few minutes to make sure he stayed there. Subaru simply stared at him quizzically from under the covers. Satisfied, Seishirou turned to duck back out the window and yelped when a pair of hands suddenly grabbed his arm, causing him to jerk up, hitting his head on the window pane. Subaru looked up at him with big, green eyes for a few minutes before deciding to wander off and cut his curtains into little origami sakura flowers.

For Seishirou, it was an incredibly long night. It wasn't until somewhere around 5 AM that he discovered the key to getting Subaru in bed and keeping him there. It actually happened by accident—Seishirou pulled the boy away from the dangerous spell books for the third time that night, laid him in bed, and, too exhausted to go on, draped himself over the boy, pinning him down with his weight. Subaru seemed totally content with this and made no attempt to get up. Sighing in relief, Seishirou quickly fell asleep, still atop the boy…

* * *

Subaru yawned cutely and opened blurry green eyes. He felt warm and content and fuzzy as he looked down at the head of fine black hair resting against his chest.

"Good morning, Seishirou-san!" Subaru smiled blissfully.

Gold eyes opened lazily and tilted to look up at him. "Good morning, Subaru-kun."

There followed a moment of utter silence… Then…

"S-S-SEISHIROU-SAN!" Subaru yelped, jerking backwards. He very abruptly discovered the edge of the bed, toppling over with a squeak, only to make a very undignified _whump_ sound against the floor a few seconds later.

Seishirou propped himself up on one elbow so he could smirk down at the dazed boy. "Really, I thought we were passed this reaction…" Subaru glared.

"You! _You_!" Words failed him for a moment. "_What_ are you doing here?"

Seishirou grinned charmingly. "Why, I was on my way home last night and found you wandering around in the middle of downtown Tokyo. Subaru-kun, I didn't know you liked to sleep in the nude." He glanced down appreciatively, positively radiating glee. Only then did Subaru look down too.

…oh.

BLUUUUUUUUSH. Subaru turned cherry red, hurriedly jerking the blanket off Seishirou and wrapping it around himself. Then he glanced at the bed, then at Seishirou, and blushed even deeper, if that was possible.

"We-We didn't!" he stuttered, eyes wide in horror.

"Subaru-kun," Seishirou said seriously, remembering all those hungry stares the boy had received the night before and deciding it was up to him to stop it from happening again, "I think we should sleep together more often."

SLAP.

"Hey! I didn't mean it that way!" Seishirou protested. Subaru stood there seething, and Seishirou had to admit the boy looked beautiful even when he was angry.

"Out!" Subaru pointed imperiously toward the door.

"But Subaru-kun, I just woke up!" Seishirou pouted.

"Out!" Subaru repeated, this time grabbing Seishirou's arm and bodily shoving him out the door. Subaru leaned against the wooden frame afterward, face buried in his hands, face still pink from the blushing. Of course, he had yet to find the sakura origami curtains…

* * *

The first day after, Subaru woke up with a large assortment of random pink sheets piled on his floor.

The second day, he ended up on top of the extra-large dryer in the laundry mat at Kamui's dormitory.

The third day, he woke up to discover he'd attempted to strangle Hinoto in his sleep (he had no idea where _that _urge had come from)…

By the fourth day, Subaru was desperate. He'd tried superglue. He'd tried duct tape. He'd tried handcuffing himself to the bed and throwing away the key! Anything, _anything _to make it stop!

Seishirou was pleasantly surprised when the boy dropped by his apartment unannounced via the window late in the day.

"Good evening, Subaru-kun." He smiled charmingly. "What can I do for you?" Subaru looked a bit embarrassed. Head lowered and eyes staring at the floor, he conceded defeat:

"W-Would you sleep with me again?"

Seishirou grinned. "Why, Subaru-kun! I thought you'd never ask!"

* * *

_Afterward_:

Years later, Park Rangers were still baffled as to why one of the Ueno sakuras had suddenly exploded in the middle of the park.

The poor taxi driver who almost hit Subaru had his license revoked for driving under the influence (though no one could ever prove that he'd been drunk). He later became an avid deforestation advocate and was often seen protesting the planting of new sakuras, until one day he was arrested for taking an axe to all the sakuras in the city while shrieking crazily "The evil trees must DIE!"

Due to the fact that Seishirou's sakura tree had effectively been run over by a taxi, Seishirou was freed from his bond, though sadly not from the government's jobs. Even onmyoujis couldn't win them all. He gladly spent the extra time catching up with Subaru.

Of course, Seishirou quickly learned NEVER to leave Subaru unsupervised at night.

But all in all, things went well. Subaru was never depressed again, and Seishirou… well, he learned a valuable lesson in never leaving his possessions unattended…

* * *

**End Note: **

While most of this is totally unrealistic, there really are that many sakura-flavoried/scented/engraved things in Japan. I went there on tour and started documenting all the sakura stuff. A friend bought the jam. I took pictures of all the sakura manhole covers. I even tried the sakura-flavored ice cream! (There was some discussion among our group as to whether it would taste like tree bark, cherries, or simply artificially-dyed vanilla—turns out it tastes like cherries) I bought engraved sakura chopsticks, but lost them! T_T At the time we went, it was impossible to walk a block without running into something else that had to do with sakuras!

Other things… I have no idea if "onmyoujitsu" is the right term there. Sorry if it's misspelled or not correct, everyone seems to disagree as to the actual term…

Thanks for reading!


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